


Mysteries of the Heart

by PrettyYoungKing, The_Hybrid



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Blame the Discord, F/F, Fluff, Gen, Other, Series of Oneshots, as always atm, but mainl they're gonna be fluffy, there's gonna be at least one angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-18
Updated: 2018-12-02
Packaged: 2019-08-25 17:10:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16664848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrettyYoungKing/pseuds/PrettyYoungKing, https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Hybrid/pseuds/The_Hybrid
Summary: A series of one shots that started because the Thasmin discord and I were gushing over ep 7. Started as quote form, now are short fics.Subscribe so you can get notifications of a new chapter! New chapter = new fic!!!!





	1. F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and Family

**Author's Note:**

> BLAME THASMIN DISCORD. AND IF ANY OF YOU READ THIS. I LOVE Y'ALL AND YOU KNOW IT

They were all sat in the cinema room (after Yaz had spent half an hour convincing the Doctor to join them), getting ready to watch 'Friends'. The Doctor hadn't seen it and was more than happy to watch something that was, 'Just like us!', so Yaz found it in the library and had readied it while the others were getting ready.

Graham was sat on the armchair by himself, and the other three sat on the sofa directly opposite the TV. There were multiple snacks on the table in front of them, including some flavour changing popcorn and some hopefully normal crisps. Everyone had their own drinks, so there wouldn't have been any need for any pauses anytime soon, and the subtitles were on in the hopes that it would help the Doctor concentrate for a little bit longer (it did).

After a few hours, Yaz had moved so that the Doctor's arm was around her, Graham was reading a book ('What? I watched this when it was first released. I haven't, however, finished reading this Poirot novel yet.') and it seemed it was Ryan's personal mission to finish off all of the snacks that had been set out.

“Ryan, do not each too much of that. While I'm sure that the flavour changing popcorn is perfectly safe to eat, if you eat too much of it you'll get sick.” Graham spoke up when Ryan moved towards the table for the tenth time that episode.

“Ugh. Shut up Graham, you're such a granddad.” Came the reply from the still teenage adult.

“Yeah, but he's our granddad Ryan, you know that.” a kind of sleepy voice spoke up from the Doctor's shoulder. After a few moments (and both Ryan and Graham looking up at her and freezing), Yaz shot up from her lounging position on the Doctor and looked panicked. “... I said that out loud, didn't I?”

“Yeah, darling. You did. But that's okay right? We're all a family here. Just like the friends on Friends.” The Doctor said, and laid a placating hand between Yaz' shoulder blades, but quickly removed it when Yaz flinched.

“I mean, yeah we are, but you don't just _say_ it, Doc.” Yaz turned around to face her girlfriend, her eyes wide with fear.

“Yaz, do you think of me as a granddad?” Graham was the first of the boys to recover, and at the sound of his voice Ryan apparently reanimated and leaned back, looking at Yaz, interested in her reply.

“I mean, kind of? Mine died quite a few years ago now and, I don't know, you treat Ryan and I the same? So I suppose I started thinking of you as mine too. Is that okay? If not, I can stop, I swear.”

“Graham, are you okay? Why are your eyes leaking? Are you crying? Oh my god! You're crying! Yaz, what do I do?” Yaz still hadn't turned around to face Graham, but at the Doctor's words her face went from scared to sad.

“No, Doc, I'm fine. I'm happy. Yaz, I'm glad you think of me as a granddad. I always wanted to look after you and Ryan. You both knew Grace longer than I did, and you're Ryan's friend. You're always going to be family.”

Yaz finally turned around, smiled at Graham, and turned the DVD back a few minutes. Once everyone was watching again, there came a quiet voice from one side of the couch.  
“Happy tears? Humans cry because they're happy. Oh no, I'm never going to get the hang of this. I'm over 2000 years and humans still confuse me”

Team TARDIS all giggled and Yaz settled in closer to the Doctor once again, and their family had never been closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> COMMENT AND KUDOS IF YOU LIKED IT YA COWARDS


	2. Puppies

Ryan had been 15 when he'd first asked. Graham and Grace had both decided pretty quick that they'd say no the next time he asked. While they hated treating Ryan different because of his dyspraxia, they both agreed that it would be a mistake.

Four years later, Graham regretted this decision greatly. It was only a few weeks into travelling with the Doctor, only a few weeks after Grace's death. It was as the Doctor was about to run head first into a group of highly murderous turtle people that he had the thought the first time.

“We should've just let Ryan get a puppy. It would have been easier.” He could imagine Grace's smirk, and just sighed as he followed Yaz and Ryan to run after the Doctor.

He would think the thought many more times over the next few years. Eventually, Grace's smirk would hurt less, but he would never stop following Yaz and Ryan chasing after the Doctor.

(He said it out loud once, not realising that Yaz was within earshot. She had smiled and turned to him. “Yeah, but that wouldn't have been as fun would it?”. He didn't disagree.)


	3. Ladders

Graham was used to running after the Doctor. He was also used to the Doctor running straight into danger. This time, however, was a little different.

This time, she wasn't running into danger. She wasn't even talking this time (that lead to danger more often than Graham liked). She was just rewiring a lightbulb this time. Suspended on a ladder taller that Graham's house. While all the electricity in the TARDIS was still on. Without anyone steadying her. Don't get him wrong, all three of Team TARDIS were currently in the library with her. Watching.

“Doc, why don't you just let one of us hold the ladder.” He called out. He knew the Doctor, and knew how accident prone she was. The thought currently going through his brain was 'Oh No, Don't Get Hurt Please. Yaz would be pissed.' on a constant loop.

“Nah Graham, I'm good. I don't need help. I did this loads of times when I was a guy. No need to worry.”

“Yes, but Doctor, you said yourself you were six foot tall when you were a man. You're hardly five foot five now. That's a large difference.”

“Come on Doc. Listen to your girlfriend. Just because you wouldn't catch me dead up there, doesn't mean you're safe! Come on!”

“Yaz, Ryan, I'm fine. Look -” she turned around and looked down at her friends. Which was apparently a mistake. The ladder wobbled, and the Doctor lost her balance.

Yaz and Ryan ran to steady the ladder, and the only noise you could hear was Yaz' murmured expletives and a strangled scream from the Doctor.

“Now do you believe me Doctor? You're amazing, but if I ever find out you're on a ladder by yourself, you will sleep alone for a week, alright?” The Doctor seemed ready to argue with her girlfriend, but suddenly there was a chorus of disgruntled sounding beeps from the TARDIS.

“Fine. I promise. Sorry Yaz.”

“That's okay. Now, carry on, but I'm staying here.”

Graham just shook his head. “I'm off to make a cuppa tea. I'll bring you all one.” He left the library and the sound of friendly bickering behind him.


	4. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst. Graham Worries. A Lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, somehow I turned a happy, jokey HC from the discord into angst. 13 Doctor angst. Don't shoot me

They'd been travelling with the Doctor for quite a while now. They all loved it, but had to go home every now and again to continue with their normal lives. Ryan, after all was learning to be a mechanic, Yaz to be a police officer and Graham to be, well, retired. He still drove buses every now and again, purely so he'd have something to do while they were back at home. Plus it meant he could write something in the 'occupation' section on forms. That was nice.

Graham though it was strange though. Even when they weren't travelling, he found himself worrying about the others. Yaz, after all, was a (coloured) police officer in a main city, so what with the rise of hate crimes it was more than just a possibility she might leave one morning and come back that night. Ryan still found coping with his dyspraxia a challenge, even after everything he had done with the Doc. Graham found himself worrying not about how Ryan would fare, he'd proved himself capable more than a few times by now, but how other may treat him if they found out.

And the Doctor? Graham worried about her non-stop.

He recognised the age in her eyes and the smile she wore when Yaz and Ryan did something especially _childlike_.

He saw the grief she wore when any of them mentioned death or growing old, how she loved Yaz with all her heart but seemed scared to succumb to it.

He glimpsed the dark that she kept as hidden as he could, and could only imagine the immense amount of pain needed to create the speeches she told. He had friends who had fought in wars, who had killed and had nearly been killed, who'd lost people and watched their friends lose people, and none of them even came close to the loss and guilt he knows she must feel.

So he worries about her. He knows she travels while they're not there, but has no idea what happens. If she sees more death, if she goes past the point she always catches herself at. He knows that the happy, giddy front is exactly that, a front. He worries about what goes through her head and if she still plays happy when there's no one to perform for. He worries she doesn't let herself mourn and grieve like she needs to, or love wholly with both her hearts. He worries she'll never forgive herself, and he worries about who she'll be if she ever does.

Graham finds himself worrying all the time, and being a grandpa to three puppies who are hiding their grief with adventures and jokes, he feels he has cause to.

_Graham O'Brien: Time Traveller and Full-Time worried Grandpa_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, that happened guys. I'm sorry, and if I made you sad/angry/cry, please comment telling me. I thrive in pain (apparently)


	5. Umbreen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DOCTOR ANGST
> 
> The Doctor doesn't mourn people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, I'm not even going to say blame the discord. Specifically blame PrettyYoungKing. They told me I wasn't allowed to write more angst. So, naturally, I wrote soul crushing angst that writing it made me cry just a little.  
> They're a co-creator for this purely because I 100% blame them for this existing. However, they wrote NONE OF THIS
> 
> Please note, this involves the death of a not-major but not-minor character whom we pretty much all love.  
> And some references to old characters  
> And lots of sad
> 
> ANGST

She didn't cry when she found out. She hadn't really expected to, if she was honest. Umbreen was just one person from a count of thousands she'd helped and let down. She didn't cry, she just held a sobbing Yaz in her arms until she'd fallen asleep.

Yaz had come running into the TARDIS, tears streaming down her face, straight into the Doctor's arms. Unbeknownst to the boys, but not to the Doctor, she had a seventy year old watch clutched in her hand. She sobbed and sobbed, and mourned the loss of the woman she'd looked up to her whole life. The Doctor, to her credit, didn't even ask. She just shooed the boys away and walked Yaz to the library and allowed her to cry. There were no whispers of condolences or assurances of better places. There was just warmth and friendship and love, and that's all that was needed.

Graham and Ryan didn't find out until the morning after. They walked back into the TARDIS, and saw Yaz sat on the console floor opposite from the Doctor, both reading but with their legs crossed together. Yaz looked up when she heard the TARDIS door close, and smiled at her friends, but patted the space next to her.

When they had sat down, forming an odd circle of people, Yaz explained. “Nani, Umbreen died yesterday. She'd had a small stroke, but felt no pain.”

“She was old,” Yaz said. “It was her time. She rests with Allah now.” She looked at the watch on her wrist. “Nani is with the ones she loves now. She deserves to be with him.” She went on to explain what would happen, the ritual washing and burial. “Unfortunately, you cannot come. While you are friends-” Yaz glanced up at The Doctor and smiled. It was a sad smile, but one filled with a love neither could yet explain. “-of mine, you are not friends of the family or close to us, so thus you are not invited. It would be disrespectful.” Yaz stood up and let the Doctor's hands fall from hers. “I've got to go now. There are things I must be present for.” As she walked towards the doors, the others stood up.

“Yaz, I'm sorry. Umbreen was an amazing woman. I'll miss her.” Graham said into the silence.

“Yeah Yaz, sorry. And I know it sucks. All the 'sorry's suck. But, y'know. She was amazing. And strong. I'm here if you want me. Always” Ryan smiled at her and they shared a look of pain.

When Yaz looked at the Doctor, neither said anything. The Doctor knew Yaz' pain better than anyone, and knew no words would help. She just nodded, a silent promise that she'd be there when Yaz came back, and that nothing would ever cause her to leave her.

 

So no, the Doctor didn't cry when she found out. She didn't cry when she was alone for the first time after she found out. In fact, the Doctor never shed a tear for Umbreen's death. There was no reason to. She was old, for a human, and had lived a good life, as Graham would say. Besides, Umbreen was just one person in a list of millions she'd ever met. Just another person she'd let down, another family member lost to the turns of time.

She mourned for Yaz, for the fact that Yaz would never be the same. You never are after the first person you truly mourn. The first time the universe really shows how cold it can be. You can never really look at everything the same after you've felt that pain. It's like a slap across the face. It knocks you to one side and you never fully recover. The echoes stay with you forever.

The Doctor has lost count of the number of slaps she has. She can no longer discern each individual pain, can no longer find the specific echo she want to remember today, there are so many they have blurred into one constant push to the side, like one massive crowd shouting in pain in her head all the time.

Of course, there were some she could always hear, no matter what. Her wife and her parents, Melody, Amelia and Rory Pond-Williams. They were constants. As were her Bad-Wolf and the Doctor-Donna, one love she had to trap away, and one she had to leave in another dimension with a better-but-worse copy of herself (himself, she supposed). Of course, Sarah Jane Smith was another, a friend who loved her before the Time War and loved her after it. At least with Clara she'd lost those memories. Lost them for long enough for the pain to fade. She has no doubt that one day Yaz would join the list of people who's echo would always be distinguishable, what with what was slowly building between them.

For this, the Doctor mourns.

It is these tears that she doesn't feel falling down her face, the tears for those she has loved and lost, those who time stole from her, and those who time will wrench from her grasp when she least expects it. Because it's always when she least expects it. It's always when she promises to keep them safe that time turns around and slaps her across the face.

It is this anger that destroyed the wardrobe the last time she was northern, and that took her to Canton and Apollo. She knows this anger has no use, that it is an anger at a force that she has manipulated since she was a child, that her species tamed millennium ago. But, as always, it burns hot and powerful inside her. “It's not fair!”, she shouts. “You cost me my friends. You lost me Bill due to _ten minutes_! You made me lose my wife before I knew her! You turned my best friend into my worse enemy! You left me alone. Always, alone.”

Finally; it is this acceptance that leaves her drained. That lets her walk through battlefields, that lets her turn her back to a murder of a brother, that causes her to stay sat and not help. For it is this acceptance that both keeps her sane and insane. It gives her speeches that can change the minds of the most stubborn man and dreams that would scare the bravest of soldiers. It allows her to see past the anger of an enemy to the pain they hide, and to stand in front of her gravest enemies and tell them to her. It gives her the freedom to be joyous and the recklessness to be scared.

 

The Doctor no longer cries for the people she meets but cannot save. She used to, when she was young and careless and not yet the last of her kind. She cannot cry for those people she so fleetingly knows, for if she were to cry for their deaths, the deaths of her friends she has lost, and will lose, would act so heavily upon her that she would no longer be a doctor.

She once said that “Immortality is not living forever. Immortality is everyone else dying.”, and she believes it. She knows one day she will stand at the end of the universe surrounded by friends that she cursed to live forever, and on that day, she will apologise and she will mourn. For that mourning will destroy her, and though she will still be alive, the Doctor will not be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, I know. You hate me. Thank you  
> Please tell me how much you hate me in the comment section ya COWARDS  
> (because that worked last time)
> 
> Also, every kudos is one more knife in my back :))))


End file.
